So, on the topic of being an adult doing things for "a good reason": my current choice to take a new, full-time job that I'm completely unsuited for, but for which a company will pay me. (This, in addition to a doula job, and that MSN writing thingy. Head spinning. Abundance is here, I hear.)

I'm in over my head (at least for the moment) and every moment is stress, (except for when I remember to breathe, or am kvetching with colleagues) and I have made many cups of tea per day in effort to avoid these things that are pestering me. Namely, many aspects of this gig.

No need to go into detail about it, but it is the stuff (I now remember) I disliked so much about the Web, and the reason why I barricaded myself in with the gods and goddesses of content and ran screaming ("Please lay me off now")from the last well-paying gig, when they began to walk down this route.

And why did I take this job? For the money. Plain and simple. The thing that motivates adults, but not kids. Money. I have a close friend who asked, "So you're whoring?" and I guess that's another way to put it.

My only saving grace that keeps me from feeling like a two-bit hootchie is that I'm not taking the money for a new girlie outfit, or upgraded TV, or new handheld device, or another car or a million other tchotkes that we Americans seem to "need" to make us feel whole--in fact, I don't make this money to consume anything. I have to pay off debt. Living-life-moving-to-a-new-town-lost-my-job-gotta-do-a-cash-advance-debt. That may make me seem self-righteous, and that's not what I'm hoping to do, but I guess whoring ain't as bad (in my mind) when the end game is freedom from a burden of living-life bills. Of course, had I bought a bunch of shit, I could at least sell it (see http://savekaryn.com/) but alas, not so much. (Garage sale still may be a possibility, though.)

So I bitch and moan, then payday (yay! today!) comes. I write a check for $1900 and send it off to the Man, and I feel just a smidge lighter. I make a plan for the next five months, and I feel a fog lifting...

Tomorrow, I may feel bogged down in the crap of the daily again, but I may just take a peek at my notes for the future. $2500 here, and there and there...and whew! Party at my house January 1, 2005!

Five and a half months ain't long, is it?